Of the thousands of “Law & Order” series currently on the air, none can compare to “Law & Order: SVU”. The show effectively combines the gritty realism of the original “Law & Order” with the campy stunt-casting of “The Love Boat”. Still going strong after all these years, the show is being renewed for a 13th season in the fall, but with a few major changes. A few weeks ago, Mariska Hargitay asked that her workload be lightened a bit in the upcoming season. She’s not leaving, but Detective Olivia Benson is getting a much-deserved promotion, meaning she’ll have less screen-time. But the big news from yesterday is that Christopher Meloni will not be returning as Detective Elliot Stabler. Now I don’t blame either star for their decisions, 12 years is a long time when you carry a show, but now “Law & Order: SVU” faces the challenge of replacing both of its leads. They’ve already talked to Jennifer Love Hewitt about replacing Mariska Hargitay (umm….okay….), but no word yet on who will fill in for Meloni. As someone who helped come up with replacements for Charlie Sheen and Steve Carell, I would like to offer my services once again.
First of all, you may not have to look further than the “Law & Order” universe for your replacement. Both “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” and “Law & Order: LA” were canceled this season, meaning that several actors and established characters are available for work. Bring Vincent D’Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe over and give their characters some closure. And of course Jeff Goldblum is always good for a ratings hike. You could even bring Terrence Howard or Alfred Molina’s characters over to
for some reason (Hey you retooled their characters once, what’s one more tweak gonna hurt?). And then of course there’s the original “Law & Order”, canceled unexpectedly last year. I’m sure die-hard fans would love to see what happened to Jack McCoy or Reba the Mail Lady. New York
Though these are all viable options for Stabler’s replacement, I do have a suggestion that is guaranteed success. I would like the “Law & Order” team to consider Jerry Or-bot for the show. No, not Jerry Orbach the much beloved actor (and inaugural Actor of the Week), but rather Jerry Or-bot, a program some associates of mine have been working on for some time now. Jerry Or-bot is a highly developed computer program that simulates the experience of working with Detective Lennie Briscoe. Using the latest in robotic technology and utilizing hours of original “Law & Order” audio, Jerry Or-bot makes the user feel like they’re actually working with Jerry Orbach. Using the voice command option, simply state your situation into the computer and Jerry Or-bot will create a unique one-liner about how your particular predicament reminds him of his ex-wife. (Note: There are a few kinks to still work out, so don’t be surprised if Jerry Or-bot invites you to “Be Our Guest”.) Below is the actual schematics used in its creation. If you know anyone at NBC or Wolf Films, please pass this along for consideration.