Of the thousands of “Law & Order” series currently on the air, none can compare to “Law & Order: SVU”. The show effectively combines the gritty realism of the original “Law & Order” with the campy stunt-casting of “The Love Boat”. Still going strong after all these years, the show is being renewed for a 13th season in the fall, but with a few major changes. A few weeks ago, Mariska Hargitay asked that her workload be lightened a bit in the upcoming season. She’s not leaving, but Detective Olivia Benson is getting a much-deserved promotion, meaning she’ll have less screen-time. But the big news from yesterday is that Christopher Meloni will not be returning as Detective Elliot Stabler. Now I don’t blame either star for their decisions, 12 years is a long time when you carry a show, but now “Law & Order: SVU” faces the challenge of replacing both of its leads. They’ve already talked to Jennifer Love Hewitt about replacing Mariska Hargitay (umm….okay….), but no word yet on who will fill in for Meloni. As someone who helped come up with replacements for Charlie Sheen and Steve Carell, I would like to offer my services once again.
First of all, you may not have to look further than the “Law & Order” universe for your replacement. Both “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” and “Law & Order: LA” were canceled this season, meaning that several actors and established characters are available for work. Bring Vincent D’Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe over and give their characters some closure. And of course Jeff Goldblum is always good for a ratings hike. You could even bring Terrence Howard or Alfred Molina’s characters over to New York
Though these are all viable options for Stabler’s replacement, I do have a suggestion that is guaranteed success. I would like the “Law & Order” team to consider Jerry Or-bot for the show. No, not Jerry Orbach the much beloved actor (and inaugural Actor of the Week), but rather Jerry Or-bot, a program some associates of mine have been working on for some time now. Jerry Or-bot is a highly developed computer program that simulates the experience of working with Detective Lennie Briscoe. Using the latest in robotic technology and utilizing hours of original “Law & Order” audio, Jerry Or-bot makes the user feel like they’re actually working with Jerry Orbach. Using the voice command option, simply state your situation into the computer and Jerry Or-bot will create a unique one-liner about how your particular predicament reminds him of his ex-wife. (Note: There are a few kinks to still work out, so don’t be surprised if Jerry Or-bot invites you to “Be Our Guest”.) Below is the actual schematics used in its creation. If you know anyone at NBC or Wolf Films, please pass this along for consideration.
As an avid fan of Stabler (as well as Benson, Munch, Fin, Wong, Kragen, and the rest of the gang) and the foremost expert on Law and Order: SVU at my house, I am slightly insulted that I was not consulted about the replacement detective for this iconic NBC series.
ReplyDeleteIn response to the suggestion of Jerry Or-Bot as a replacement, I must express disgust and outrage. How can one expect a cyborg to replace the complex and multi-leveled character that Mr. Meloni is leaving behind. Stabler, as a character, is known for his history of bending the law to enforce the law. The often unpredictable yet dedicated detective is prone to fits of anger and acting out in violent acts that scare his coworkers and alleged criminals alike. Yet this angry side is balanced out by a long and deep rooted pain over his borderline neglect towards his family which cost him his marriage and his daughters.
First, and foremost: ROBOTS CANNOT CRY. Stabler can cry, but he chooses not to. There is a difference. Stabler feels the pain, but chooses not to shed a tear because he is a certified and paper-carrying bad ass. A machine, be it a cyborg, robot, or Robin Williams in the movie Bicentennial Man, cannot be expected to portray this level of complex duality.
Also, to comment on Stabler's style of Law Enforcement. Robots are notoriously rule abiding (have you ever seen the documentary RoboCop?) and could never be expected to portray the haphazard style of law enforcement that we have come to expect and love from the greatest detective since Sherlock Holmes.
My only suggestion to replace Christopher Meloni in this show is to clone Christopher Meloni, and use this clone to play the role for the duration of the show, because clones do what they are told.